Date: 15th July 2008 at 4:01pm
Written by:

Apologies for the late article but for the past 2 days I’ve been trying to single-handedly set up a £40 trampoline I got in a sale in B&Q. My biceps nearly popped out of my arms when trying to get in that last spring. It was painstaking and boring. However, not as painstakingly boring as it was sitting through the Gothenburg greats testimonial vs. Manchester United.

I got into the ground about half two and tried to take my seat in row K seat 48 of the upper deck of the RDS. However, in seat 49 sat a woman with thighs so big she had to get up for me to put my seat down. ‘Shite’, I thought to myself. For everytime I would stand up when Aberdeen were on the attack during the match, she would have to get up too for me to put my seat back down.

For the next half hour, I watched as various Asians, Europeans and Aberdonians came out the concourse wearing Manchester Un..I mean Man U tops, scarves, hats, jackets, underwear etc. Balls. I was right, a total day-tripper-fest.

The Aberdeen players finished their warm up and headed down the tunnel. Some bothered to get to their feet to clap them off the pitch. A few minutes later, United finished their warm up. The stadium burst into applause. ‘Let’s go Manchester’, shouted the Chink behind me. Jesus.

The game eventually kicked off. Everyone sat in silence. It was like sitting in a room with a bunch of people you’d never seen before. Oh sorry, it was.

United were so quick on the counter, it was like adults playing with kids. Both sides created a few chances. New signing Gary McDonald was so unfit and getting caught out so easily, even Lee Miller resorted to tackling him to effectively win the ball back for Aberdeen.

Nothing was happening.

I decided to swallow my pride and actually take out the matchday programme while the game was ongoing. I turned to the back where both squads were listed. F*ck me! ‘We only have 19 players!’, I said to my cousin in seat 47. Four of which had just been promoted from the youth team. Seriously, 2 players injuried or suspended and we’re f*cked. And with Mackie, Smith and Mair nearly always out, well, we better get signing somebody. Jimmy released 12 (good) players at the end of last season for f*ck all and has brought no-one in in return! Now I don’t know where he’s going to get these new people so don’t tell me to suggest anyone ‘cos that’s his job!

We had the ball in the back of the net at one point, through Darren Mackie. But the linesman flagged him offside. There’s about 1 TV camera in the whole of Pittodrie so TV evidence was inconclusive. However, Mackie wheeled away celebrating and the referee originally gave the goal. I can’t be arsed explaining the goal, but if Mackie put himself in an offside position from that play, that is absolute amateur striking. However, I seriously doubt he could be that bad and think the linesman seriously effed up.

On the stroke of half-time, United took the lead via a penalty. Rooney knocked the ball past Langfield and the ball had already gone out by the time Langfield reacted. Carrick, who played a world class defence splitting ball through to Rooney, scored from the spot.

The referee blew the whistle for half-time and the people came out and set up the mini-pitch for the Gothenburg Greats vs. Paul Lawrie Select game. It was dead silent. The match finished a 0-0 thriller and I’m quite happy they said that’s the last time the greats will play together as a team. Eoin Jess, playing for the PLS, was the only one who could still run 30 yards and not bend over and inhale through his arse at the end of it.

Both teams made numerous subs at half-time. New boy Bertrand Bossu replaced Jamie Langfield in goal.

As the half wore on, United made a few more subs, and every time they did, the day-trippers would rise to their feet and applaud their ‘heroes’ off the park. Meanwhile I jeered and sweared and made various finger salutes to the overpaid b*stards, while being told by the fat women next to me that I ‘wasn’t being very nice to them’.

The songs from the 10 or so at the top of the RDS willing to sing were quite amusing. ‘If you never go to football stay down’, ‘seagulls make more noise than you’ and ‘we forgot that we were here’ were my favourites. As the final whistle drew ever nearer, more of those taking in their annual game of football left early. ‘Last game last game, last game last game’. ‘We can see you sneaking out’.

On the park there were no signs of any improvement of entertainment. However, 6’7′ Bossu made one fantastic save tipping a shot onto the bar when it looked impossible to reach, before making another fantastic save from a swerving shot, making it look ridiculous by holding onto it. Langfield can get on his bike now (although we can’t do that because that would narrow our squad down even further unfortunately).

The final whistle blew and I raced down the countless steps of the RDS and across the road to Mike’s Famous Fish & Chips, went home, slept and woke up thinking why did I miss T in the Park for that.

Being that inexplicable idiotic die hard that I am, I will still be going to the meaningless Dundee game tonight…in Dundee. Oh I can’t wait…